Why Adrian Paul Quit Highlander
by Hanzao
Summary: You will laugh, you will cry, you will fear your nefarious alter-ego who is coming to get you. Remember: there are fates worse than death!


I must preface this story with an apology. Some of you may get offended by how I protray some of these characters. So, let me just say, it could be worse. HAHAHA!!!!!

Hope you enjoy!

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It is a dark night in the park. The moonlight is obscured by the clouds overhead, making it difficult to see through the trees. Luckily, Duncan MacLeod had fought enough battles in the darkness to prepare him for the danger which now faces him. There is a powerful immortal nearby, stalking him. He knows this not only because of his ability to sense the immortals, but also because of the danger music.

Suddenly the music becomes faster and more menacing, so Duncan throws his sword up to fend of the coming attack. Sure enough, a Chinese man has just jumped out of the shadows to thrust his weapon and the Highlander. Oddly enough, however, it is not a sword. It is a six-foot garden hose.

"What is this?" MacLeod shouts as the garden hose wraps around his sword. "What do you think you're doing?"

Duncan can only stand there in disbelief as the little man yanks the sword out of his hand using the hose.

"Hey now, little fella, what are you playing at?"

"My name is not 'little fella'," MacLeod's opponent stares up at him in defiance. He then jumps up into the air and kicks MacLeod hard in the chest, sending him reeling backward.

"I am Duncan MacLeod of the clan MacLeod," Duncan growls as he retrieves his footing. "I thought I had already killed all of the other Immortals!"

"Yeah? Well I'm Jet Li, world-famous action movie star," he says, pointing his right thumb at himself. "I do not know about any Immortals. This is the set of my new movie. You are trespassing."

"Jet Li?" MacLeod looks dumfounded. "Okay, I recognize you. Yeah, you really do great work. But why did you attack me?"

Suddenly, an odd, maniacal laughter erupts from the shadows.

"Who's there?" Duncan shouts.

A very abused-looking man in a fine suit steps out of the shadows. He is severely scarred and there is a very intense patchwork of stitches across his throat.

"Kalas?" MacLeod looks at the man in a mixture of surprise and disgust.

"Greetings, MacLeod!" Kalas' voice sounds so strained that it hurts to hear him talk. "I've set you up yet again!"

"But I took your head!" MacLeod shakes his head.

"You missed a spot," Kalas explains, pointing at a ragged bit of flesh that serves as the only true connection between his head and neck. "You left just enough Quickening in me to get me back up on my feet. Besides, the writers of the show just ran out of ideas. You've seen it happen before."

Duncan tries for his sword, but Jet Li quickly stomps his foot on the blade, securing it to the ground.

"No, no," Kalas giggles. "I don't want to fight you, MacLeod. In my weakened state, that just would not be fair. I don't even own a sword anymore. They won't let me in to the Renaissance Festivals to buy one anymore. They say I scare the children."

"Then why do this? Why come after me? And, by the way," Duncan points at Jet Li, "what is he doing here?"

"I'm his agent," Kalas explains. "I am the one responsible for attaching Quentin Tarrentino's name to the movie Hero. But speaking of movies, MacLeod, we are on the set of one right now."

"The One Two!" Jet Li exclaims.

"A boxing movie?" MacLeod snickers.

"Laugh all you want, MacLeod," Kalas grins, looking at his watch. "The action is about to begin in three… two… one…"

Suddenly out of the night sky comes a great beam of light, racing down to pierce the shadows of the trees. Once the light hits the ground, a short, dark figure steps out of the light.

"I am Yu-Law! I am nobody's bitch! You," he points at Jet Li, "are mine!"

"Oh, shit!" Jet Li turns in the other direction and starts running.

MacLeod grabs Jet Li before he can get away.

"I'm guessing this isn't special affects?" Duncan asks, trying his best to hold on to the little guy.

"No joke, Yankee! Let me go!"

"I've seen you fight," Duncan tries to reassure him. "You can take him! Come on, Jet!"

Yu-Law walks forward and grabs a tree. With ease, he pulls it out of the ground and throws it at Jet Li. Unfortunately for MacLeod, Jet Li is right next to him.

A part of the tree's trunk impacts with Duncan's chest, knocking him to the ground several feet away.

"I knew Yu-Law would beat you down enough for me to take your head, MacLeod!" Kalas painfully laughs. It is not long before he stands above the Highlander with his sword in his hand. "There can be only one!"

"My sentiments exactly!" Yu-Law throws the lifeless corpse of Jet Li at Kalas, knocking the other man's head completely off. "I will be The One!"

Kalas's second beheading remarkably still sets off a Quickening storm. Since MacLeod is the last Immortal, the quickening goes to him. The electricity surging through his body and around him makes the tree on top of him explode in a fiery inferno and he is knocked backward. He rolls up onto his feet and grabs his sword from Kalas' corpse on the way up.

"You killed Jet!" MacLeod furiously stares at Yu-Law. "Why?"

"To be The One." Yu-Law brushes the dirt off of his black shirt.

"Jet was not Immortal." MacLeod shakes his head. "Neither are you. You cannot be the one. I am the last Immortal, that makes me the one!"

"You say you are The One?" Yu-Law crosses his arms. "You look nothing like me."

MacLeod nearly drops his sword in exasperation.

"Can you pull up a tree like me?" Yu-Law asks.

"No, but…"

"Can you move real, real fast like me?" Yu-Law interrupts.

"Uh, no, but I've got really great hair!"

"Have you crossed the lengths of the Multiverse to destroy your other selves to gain their power?"

"What the bloody hell are you going on about?" MacLeod loses his patience.

"Then you cannot possibly be The One. However," Yu-Law smiles, "I am."

"Hey now, I am the last of the Immortals!" Duncan jumps up and down.

"Really? Didn't Connor MacLeod say the same thing in the first movie?" Yu-Law laughs. "Every time one of you guys says that, they make another sequel. By the way, what was up with Highlander 2? That didn't make any sense at all."

"Oh, and one version of Jet Li running around the Multiverse to kill himself hundreds of times to get more powerful makes sense?" MacLeod is getting angry. "What about that thing where if you touch yourself you make the other you and yourself disappear?"

"First of all, that was just some crazy logic from Back to the Future. It's not true. And second," Yu-Law raises a fist at the Highlander, "don't start talking to me about touching yourself."

And with that, Yu-Law touches a device on his wrist. A ray of light from out of the night sky hits him. MacLeod has to turn away in disgust as Yu-Law's body is torn apart as he is sucked up into space.

"Oh, that does it!" Duncan MacLeod throws his sword to the ground and begins to remove his trench coat. "I've had enough of this. Six years, plus the movie thing. I can't take this anymore. I quit Highlander. From now on, I'm just Adrian Paul."

Suddenly a light comes out of the sky, piercing the shadows of the trees. From out of the light steps a man who looks remarkably like the now ex-Highlander, except for the fact that he is black and in drag.

"I am Ru-Paul! I'm nobody's bitch, honey," he points a finger at the ex-Highlander. "You are mine!"

"What did I do to deserve this?" The ex-Highlander takes off running in the opposite direction.

"Stop and come back here, Beefcake!" Ru-Paul holds his hands on his hips. "Don't you make me run! Oh, dammit, he's gettin' away!"

As Ru-Paul runs after the poor ex-Highlander, we are all reminded that in this crazy world, we never know what will happen. It is best to live your life the best you can, for you never know when your sinister alter-ego from another universe will suddenly appear before and try to take your… head.

Umm… nevermind.


End file.
